The Hobbit: An Unexpected Parody
by MelissaMachine5000
Summary: Bilbo has been caught up in a crackfic in which Gandalf is a BAMF, Fili braids his hair, Kili is gender confused, Gloin loses various body parts, Oin killed every five minutes, and Dwalin is 90% alcohol. Prepare for an adventure filled with stupidity, anachronisms, egos, rivalries, hypocrisy, majesty, and a certain party king...
1. Chapter 1

**So due to my recent obsession over the Hobbit, I have taken it upon myself to write a parody, since I seem to be good at those. Am I? Why don't you find out :)**

**I just wanted to point out that some of the chapter is based off of the YouTube video "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Parody" by The Hillywood Show. I had the same idea (for the title and what happens) but they got theirs on the internet first. Oh well :/ **

**And the song in this chapter is "Shots" by LMFAO. You should listen to it if you don't know it; it's a really good song :D**

**I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you have even more fun reading it! So without further ado:**

One day Bilbo was outside having a smoke when Gandalf walked up.

"Er... good morning," Bilbo greeted, even though there were many gray clouds in the sky.

"NO ITS NOT." Gandalf said very, very loudly. He slammed his staff on the ground which caused a shockwave of bright blue light to blast everything within a five mile radius. All of the clouds dissipated, revealing a sun that was inexplicably sporting a smiley face.

"AAGGGH!" Bilbo screamed, covering his eyes. "YOU JUST BLINDED ME!"

"How would you like to go on an adventure with some fine-ass dwarves?," Gandalf asked, completely unaware of this sudden change of events.

"Nope, no adventures, bye," Bilbo replied hastily, running toward his door... and heading face-first into a wall since he was still blind. After spending a great deal of time trying to find his doorknob, Bilbo wrenched open his door and disappeared into his house.

After Gandalf was sure the young hobbit was gone, he walked up to the door and quietly began to draw a mark on the round, green door. After drawing a smiley face in red crayon and signing his name, Gandalf left.

Later that evening, Bilbo, having recovered from his blindness, was sitting down to dinner. He was just thinking about how he was a total loner since he always ate dinner alone when the doorbell rang.

"What the hell? I don't have a doorbell," Bilbo muttered as he walked to the door.

When he opened the door a dwarf stood there, blowing a dwarfish horn that was making doorbell noises. He stopped when he noticed Bilbo. "Dwalin, at your service," the dwarf bowed.

"Er... Bilbo Baggins at your ser-"

"Got any alcohol?" Dwalin grunted, stepping inside.

"Well, if I may first inquire, why are you here-"

"Ah, there it is!" Dwalin made a beeline for the pantry, where several barrels of ale were clearly visible.

Before Bilbo could make a move to follow the audacious dwarf, there came a knock at his door.

Upon being opened, he saw another dwarf sporting a white beard.

"Have you seen a dwarf about yea high with a weird, gay hat?" the dwarf inquired before Bilbo could even say anything.

Since Dwalin was bald, Bilbo shook his head.

"HA!" the white haired dwarf screamed into the air. "I GOT HERE FIRST YOU LITTLE BITCH! THAT'S HOW WE DO IT IN BALIN TOWN!" Balin partied into Bag End. That's right, I just used 'party' as a verb.

Next to knock on the door were two young dwarves.

"My name's Fili, yo," said the blond.

"And I'm Kili!" the other one squealed. He grabbed Bilbo and started jumping around, nearly knocking out Bilbo's teeth. "We're going to be BFF's OMG!"

"Sorry about that!" Fili dragged Kili into the dining room, where Dwalin and Balin were moving tables and pillows to make a fort.

"Don't touch that table it was from Juicy Couture!" Bilbo screamed, but his protests were drowned out by another knock.

The disgruntled hobbit stomped over to his door. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT N-" A flood of dwarves burst through the doors and literally trampled poor Bilbo.

Last of all came Gandalf, who stooped down and peered through the door at the trampled hobbit. "All right there, my dear Bilbo?"

Bilbo shakily stuck up his middle finger.

"Quite all right, I see."

Gandalf looked around the foyer at the collection of dwarves, all of whom were holding some form of alcohol. He raised his staff, which knocked down the chandelier. The chandelier fell onto Oin. He wasn't moving.

They all stared at Oin. "Ah, well then," Gandalf started. He picked up Bilbo, who had also been partially crushed by the chandelier. "Let me introduce you to the members of our party."

Bilbo regained use of his voice. "Wait, party? But I didn't invite-"

"Fili and Kili," Gandalf introduced. They nodded at Bilbo.

"Dori, Nori, and Ori." Dori, Nori and Ori waved.

"Oin and Gloin," Gloin tried to wave extra wide but his glove flew off and hit Oin, who still wasn't moving, in the face.

"Dwalin and Balin."

"Hi there," Dwalin greeted, drinking.

Balin grunted.

"Bifur, Bofur-"

"Why the hell do their names all rhyme?" Bilbo questioned.

"How dare you interrupt the speech of Gandalf the Gray!" Bifur roared, swinging his hammer. It imbedded itself in the wall, spraying wood splinters over everybody, but mainly Oin, who was still under the chandelier.

"Well, that was unnecessary but entertaining," Gandalf commented. "But, continuing: Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur."

Bifur growled and pulled his axe from the wall. Bilbo cowered. Bofur shook Bilbo's hand.

"Hello," Bombur greeted, eating.

"Okay, so now that we're all acquainted, let's get this party started!" Gandalf shouted. All the dwarves rushed to the pantry and started singing.

_When i walk in the club_

_All eyes on me_

_I'm with the party rock crew_

_All drinks are free_

"NOW LEMME HEAR YA SING!" Gandalf screamed, passing around shots.

"Shots!"

"Shots!"

"Shots!"

"Shots!"

"Shots!"

"That was my turn, you asshole!"

"Shots!"

"Shots!"

"Why am I under a chandelier?"

"Shots!"

"Shots!"

"Shots!"

"You wanna go? I could take you to Mordor, ya little bitch."

"Shots!"

"Shots!"

"EVERYBODY!" Gandalf shouted, passing around more drinks and pushing Bilbo away by his face when the hobbit tried to stop him.

"That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!" Gloin sang. The house became silent and everybody stared at Gloin. Gandalf shook his head in disappointment. Carmichael nodded nugatorily.

There was a knock at the door. Gandalf opened the door and a regal dwarf turned around dramatically, wearing a pair of shutter shades. Pounding music came out of nowhere.

"Yo, bitches, let's get this party started. Thorin Oakenshield is in the house!" the dwarf exclaimed, and started crowd surfing. Thorin crowd-surfed to the middle of the foyer, did a triple flip, and landed right on Oin's face. Oin had just crawled out from under the fallen chandelier and now lay on the floor with Thorin's boot on his face.

Meanwhile, Bilbo was drinking what he assumed to be his second glass of red wine.

"Hey, you do know that's hard liquor..." Fili began.

Then the alcohol hit Bilbo's bloodstream.

Needless to say, there was a lot of partying.

**And that's chapter one! :D What did you guys think? I really hope you laughed. From here on out it's going to be entirely original, but it'll follow the movie verse. If there's anything funny you guys would want to happen, make sure to tell me! **

**PS. Nugatorily is a real word ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm so happy at the response I got for Chapter 1! :D you guys make me so happy! And since I forgot in the last chapter, I don't own any of the characters (not even Carmichael :'( *sob*) But have fun anyways!**

**Chapter 2**

-The Next Morning-

Bilbo heard a knock on his door. "SHUT UP I HAVE A HANGOVER," he screamed, holding his head which, for some reason, had several cucumbers taped to it.

The dwarves came in anyway.

Fili patted Bilbo on the head. "Aw, has the little hobbit got a hangover?"

Bilbo swatted his hand away. "Shut up or I kill you."

Fili gave another sympathetic pat. "Don't worry, Bilbo. We all had hangovers too, but we got rid of them with special dwarf pills. Have one." He offered them to the hobbit. Bilbo grabbed them and read the label. "Will alleviate the affects of a hangover... CONTAINS TROLL FECES?! YOU GUYS! SERIOUSLY?"

Actually, the dwarves had no idea about that last part and they all started vomiting onto Bilbo's nice hobbit floor. Bilbo passed out again. Gandalf laughed at them all. He hadn't taken the pills because he was a frickin' wizard, so screw hangovers.

Gandalf helped the dwarves onto their ponies and then tied Bilbo to a hobbit-sized pony, and they were off.

Bilbo woke up and blinked. "Why am I tied to a horse's ass?"

The dwarves were throwing pouches of coins to each other. Gandalf was picking his nose. Carmichael was dancing.

Bilbo tried to adjust himself off of the horse's butt. "Gandalf, what's going on? Where am I? What are the dwarves doing? WHY DOES MY HEAD HURT SO MUCH?"

Gandalf calmly smoked his pipe. "Just because I'm lazy, I'm only going to answer question number three. And the answer to that is: they're throwing coins at each other."

Bilbo sighed, exasperated. "I know that. Why are they throwing coins at each other?"

"THIS IS WAR!" Nori screamed, vaulting a spray of coins at the rest of the dwarves. The coins mostly hit Oin in the face, who fell off his horse and down the mountainside. Bilbo stared in horror.

"Meh," Gandalf shrugged. "I'll send those eagle guys to retrieve him. Eventually."

The dwarves started throwing coins again. Gloin got way too excited and started rapid-firing them by the handful. One hit Bifur in the back of the head. The dwarf roared and swung his axe wildly until it flew out of his hands and down the mountainside. They heard Oin scream in pain.

That night, they set up camp.

"When are we eeeeating?" Bilbo whined. "I haven't had breakfast. Or second breakfast. Or lunch or tea or snack or supper-"

"I could, like, totally make some soup," said Kili. "I found this new recipe on FB! Like, totally, gurl!" He flipped his hand.

Bilbo backed away slowly.

Thorin and Gandalf were arguing.

"I refuse to camp here!" Thorin roared. "It's too cramped and I can't stand the smell of these dwarves!"

"How dare you challenge my authority!" Gandalf shot back. "I'm the one who got this goddamn expedition off its ass in the first place! And have you smelled yourself? I'm surprised I haven't gotten sick yet; I've been standing near you for thirty seconds! Wait, you _are _a dwarf! How dare you insult the others, ya hypocritical idiot."

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH" hooted all of the dwarves except for Thorin and Oin, the latter still not have been sighted since the coin incident.

"Well, well..." Thorin spluttered. "You're... gray!"

At this, all of the dwarves went wild, cheering and howling and chest-bumping.

"Um, guys, we should probably-" Nori started, but Bombur landed on him and the poor dwarf was heard no more.

"Fine!" Gandalf snapped. "Be that way! But I bet you guys will be nicer when I save you from trolls or something!" He stomped away.

While the dwarves were pulling out party poppers and doing... things with them, Bilbo took two bowls of soup and snuck off into the woods. He was hungry, after all. And fat.

Before he could eat his soup, Fili and Kili swooped down on a star that they stole from Kirby: Epic Yarn and stole the soup.

"Two of the ponies went missing," Fili informed him.

"Sunshine Sticks and Sha'Nay Nay are missing!" Kili wailed.

"And why do I care?" asked Bilbo.

"You're going to help us find him!" Fili and Kili cried in unison. "You are our burglar, after all!"

"What the hell..." Bilbo began as Kili and Fili linked arms with him and skipped off into the deep woods.

Soon they could see a campfire in a clearing.

"Well, gurl, this is where we leave you!" Kili flipped his hair. "Dwarf magic, activate!" Kili and Fili vanished, leaving a trail of sparkles and the smell of pink frosted sprinkle donuts.

Bilbo just decided to accept this atrocity and crept to the clearing. He saw three troll things that were cooking soup. He also saw the two horses, who were in a rope pen, looking bored.

"Ay, mate! Let's cook the horses!" said one troll.

"Yummy!" said another, this one with an Australian accent.

"The cake is a lie!" said a third.

"Let's see, I need to free the horses by cutting the ropes that are holding them. I need something sharp and cutting edge to sever the ropes. Something like... Internet Explorer!" Bilbo laughed at his own joke for several minutes.

"Did you guys hear something?" one of the trolls asked. His name was Billy Bob Dingaling Dong Fortitude Solitude Duckface Wallaby.

Just then another troll farted and they all laughed hysterically, slapping their knees and scaring all of the squirrels in the area.

_Now's my chance! _Bilbo thought, and went to retrieve a knife that was hanging from one of the troll's belt.

Unfortunately the aforementioned troll felt a sneeze coming on and grabbed his snot rag- er, Bilbo and gave a big, sticky sneeze.

"Agh!" the troll yelled, somehow still sounding Australian. "Look what's coming out of me honker! It has arms and legs and everything!"

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" Bilbo squealed, surveying his snot-covered coat. "THIS THING COST ME LIKE THIRTY TWO SEVENTY FIVE, PLUS TAX! Batteries not included," he added quietly. "But still!" Bilbo pulled the little brush thing from Scrubbing Bubbles out of his coat pocket and threw it at one of the troll's face.

Said troll screamed. "MY FACE!" It clutched its toe for some reason. "I FEEL SO CLEAN! BRBLQUCRGGASDFGHJKL!" The troll dissolved into bubbles and cleaning foam.

"Oh gurl! You ain't touchin' no burglar!" Kili was back.

The troll holding Bilbo tossed him away in fear of another Scrubbing Bubbles mascot. Bilbo landed right on top of Kili.

"Sorry, Kili!"

"...You smell nice."

"Ack!" Bilbo scrambled off of Kili.

The rest of the dwarves burst out of their hiding places, challenging the trolls to an epic battle of epic epicositic epicness.

"You dare challenge the great Ori?" Ori screamed epicly. "Imma show ALL you bitches how it's done!" He whipped out his slingshot, aimed, and threw the slingshot at one of the trolls. It hit the troll's shoulder, which happened to be his 'spaz spot'. It was called that because it, well, made him spaz out. The troll began doing the Harlem Shake before passing out. The good news is that this action left the troll incapitated. The bad news is that Ori's ego became so inflated it made him gain like three hundred pounds.

"I AM ORI, YO!" he screamed in epic victory (and fatness), blasting away all of the Weight Watchers advocates that were rushing to his rescue.

Meanwhile, Bilbo was trying to free the ponies but the remaining trolls grabbed him.

"Drop yer arms," one of the trolls commanded. "Or we'll rip his off!"

Everybody complied, dropping their weapons. Gloin, always eager to please, took his actual arms off and laid them down with his... face.

"Hur hur hur..." one of the trolls laughed meanly, holding up a big, fat... cliffhanger!

**I hope I made you guys laugh! I'd also like to apologize for all of the cameo appearances, and for Kili's character. I wanted to make him hot and perfect like in real life but this is a crackfic so I will just have to keep my fangirl impulses at bay.**

**Thanks for reading! ^.^**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry for the late update! . But here is chapter 3. Please enjoy/laugh/love. I don't own anything.**

**Chapter 3**

Soon all the dwarves were tied up in sacks or bound to the giant spit over the fire.

"GET YOUR FOOT OUT OF MY FACE!" Balin screamed at Bofur.

"GET YOUR FACE OUT OF MY FOOT!" Bofur screamed even louder.

"Guess what, when we get outta this I'll show you what my face can do!" Balin retorted. Everybody fell silent. Ain't nobody messes with Balin's face.

Ain't nobody.

"Let's speed this thing up, girls!" One of the trolls commanded. "It's almost near dawn and I don't fancy being turned to stone. It's bad for my complexion," the troll tossed his nonexistent hair and everybody admired his skin.

"Wait! You're making a terrible mistake!" Bilbo cried.

"You can't reason with them, they're half-wits!" Dori said.

"Half-wits? What does that make us?" Bofur asked.

Dori thought about it for a minute. "Quarter-wits!"

"Uh, I meant with the, uh, with, uh, with the seasoning," Bilbo answered. "Uh," he added.

"What about the seasoning?" the troll asked, applying Proactiv to his face.

"You're going to want to stay away from the salt, because it's bad for your skin," Bilbo explained.

The troll screamed and threw the salt away.

"I've come to rescue you guys!" said Oin, happily skipping into the clearing. The salt hit him in the eye.

"YOOUUUU," yelled Gandalf in his "Soulja Boy' voice. "SHALL NOT PASS!" He smacked his staff onto a rock, splitting it open and revealing the sunlight.

The trolls squealed and turned to stone, complaining about their skin the whole time.

"That's right, bitches! Nobody passes up Gandalf!" Gandalf jumped into the clearing, throwing confetti into the air.

"Nobody cares! Just untie us!" Nori yelled, getting confetti in his face for that.

-After Everybody was Untied-

Bombur ate one of the trolls because he was hungry, and finally surpassed Ori in weight.

"Where did you go to, if I may ask?" Thorin asked Gandalf.

"Simon says you may ask."

"What?"

"I went to the dollar store."

"Why would you go to the dollar store?"

"TO BUY CONFETTI, YO!" Gandalf threw more confetti into the air.

"Wizards and their obsession with shiny things," Thorin muttered nastily. Nasty, nasty Thorinses.

"Guys I found a cave!" Nori called.

"Oh, boy, food!" Bombur yelled, spitting out the second troll (which landed on Oin) and rolled down the hill, knocking down several dwarves on his way down.

"Spare!" Bilbo said.

The cave was stinky and full of empty Proactiv boxes. Gandalf found a lot of shiny swords, and Dori, Nori, and Dwalin found some gold.

"Where will we put the gold?" Balin wondered.

"WE BURY IT IN THE PITS OF HELL." Bifur yelled, stabbing the gold into the ground until he had dug a fifty foot deep trench. By that time the dwarves had already arrived at Rivendell, but back to the present.

The dwarves exited the cave. Gandalf tossed a sword to Bilbo, not even looking to see if he caught it because he was too cool for school.

Radagast rode into the clearing on his rabbit sled.

"Thieves! Fire! Murder! Pizza!" he shouted.

"Yo Radagast! Ma home slice!" Gandalf fistbumped Radagast in the face because the brown wizard was too busy knitting a pair of edible socks.

"Something is terribly wrong!" Radagast exclaimed.

"You're right!" Bombur roared, eating Radagast's socks. "These taste like crap!"

"No! I mean, um, what was it..." Radagast was deep in thought. "God dammit, it was right on the tip of my tongue..."

"That's a stick bug," Gandalf pulled the bug off of Radagast's tongue. It flew away, traumatized, and soon joined a traveling bug circus. He went on to help an ant reclaim his home from an evil grasshopper. His tale is documented in, you guessed it, Monsters Inc.

"So anyway, I met an evil necromancer and that's a nice hat," Radagast pointed at Bofur's hat.

Gandalf bitch slapped the other wizard until his nose was having a cup of coffee with his left ear. "PAY ATTENTION."

"I found a really nice sword though!" said Radagast. "I think I left my dish washer running."

A Warg burst through the trees and attacked Dori.

"Don't worry friends! I got this!" Dori cried. He drew his battle axe and took a swing at the Warg's head, which completely missed and hit Oin, even though the latter was ten yards away. The Warg died of colon cancer.

"Did you guys see that? I am **amazing**." Dori proclaimed, hefting his battle axe.

"I will lead the Orcs away!" Radagast jumped on his sled and rode away.

"Wait, what the hell just happened? What did I miss?" Gandalf asked, looking up from his Facebook page.

"We have to run away from the Orcs!" Nori explained.

They ran into the open field instead of continuing in the cover of the forest. Radagast suddenly remembered his dishwasher and turned around, leading the Orcs straight towards the dwarves. They panicked and hid behind Bombur and Ori.

"Wait, my home is that way!" he turned around again. The dwarves sighed in relief and kept running.

"No wait, I think I left my socks back there!" he turned around again. The dwarves hid.

"Hey, aren't they doing a rerun of Back to the Future today?" Turning around.

"Where did Gandalf get that confetti?" He turned around. The dwarves hid.

"Screw this!" Gandalf jumped down a hole and led the dwarves to Rivendell.

"What the hell man? I said I didn't want to go to Rivendell!" Thorin whined.

"You didn't say that!" Gandalf argued.

"I bet they have alcohol," Dwalin growled, dragging the dwarf king by his hair.

"Dwarves and their alcoholism," Thorin growled hypocritically.

**Next chapter we meet Elrond, Galadriel, and Saruman. *evil grin*I hope you laughed during this chapter. Feel free to leave a review if you had a favorite part or if you have an idea for a future chapter!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm so sorry for not posting for 2 weeks! I was on vacation! I got a lot of feedback saying that Chapter 3 was the best, so I'll try to write like that more often :) Enjoy and laugh!**

**Chapter 4**

Once the dwarves had made their way down to Rivendell, an elf greeted them.

"Welcome to Rivendell." The elf stared at them with humungous eyes. "My name is Lindir."

"NOBODY CARES!" Bofur screamed from the back of the group.

"YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN!" Balin added, trying to outdo Bofur as usual.

Lindir stared at them, his expression unchanging. "I _am _a man."

Everybody gasped. They had just uncovered the biggest gender mystery since Justin Beiber.

A bunch of horses galloped into Rivendell and started riding around the dwarves, setting off party poppers and drinking beer.

"Do you see this, peasants?" Thorin cried, standing on Oin's face again. "They are paying homage to my kingliness. MAJESTY SHALL BE MINE!" A dramatic wind blew through the valley. Thorin's hair caught on fire.

Elrond dismounted from his horse. "Lindir, stop being a creep. Go to your room."

Lindir slowly turned away, his eyes never leaving the dwarves. Literally. His eyes shifted to the back of his head so he could keep an eye on the dwarves as he walked away.

"Mithrandir, wassup!" Elrond fistbumped with Gandalf. "What brings ya to my realm? Galadriel is still married by the way."

Gandalf's face turned as red as a skateboard. "Me and these lame-ass dwarves-"

"And me!" Bilbo squeaked from under Bombur.

"SHUT UP BILBO! We're just passing through," Gandalf finished, his anger making the Goblin King scratch his ass.

Lindir bumped into a wall.

"We have much to discuss," Elrond said randomly.

For dinner they had leaves, vegetables, and water.

"Do you have anything stronger to drink?" Dwalin complained, but stopped when he saw a huge pair of eyes watching him. He'd gotten used to Lindir by now but he was bothered simply by the fact that the gaze was coming from Gandalf's hat.

"I DON'T LIKE NO GREEN FOOD YO!" Ori screamed angrily. "THE GREAT ORI MUST BE SERVED SOMETHING BETTER BEFORE I SKIN YOU AND KNIT YOUR INTESTINES INTO A SWEATER!"

On the other side of the table, Elrond was naming swords.

"This one is called Glamdring, or Goblin Slayer," Elrond explained, examining Gandalf's sword.

"Glamdring sounds nothing like Goblin Slayer!" Gandalf protested. "I think Glamdring is short for glamorous." The wizard wisely flipped his hair.

"That doesn't even...I was t..." Elrond stammered.

Thorin shoved his sword into the elf's face. "What about this one?"

"This is Orcrist."

"What? I don't' want my sword named after an orc's wrist!" Thorin yelled. "Let's call it-"

"You know what? Obviously nobody likes my sword names! The cow's gonna fly over the moon TONIGHT!" Elrond angrily flipped over the entire table. All of the vegetables and stuff flew into the air, but before anything could hit the ground Bombur inhaled it all.

"Give the map to Elrond, Thorin," Gandalf commanded.

"Nuuuuu!" Thorin snarled, clutching the map.

"Why am I here?" Bilbo asked.

While Thorin was distracted by Lindir's stare (who was hiding in Bilbo's feet hair) Elrond grabbed the map and skipped onto the balcony, giggling hysterically.

"These are moon runes," Elrond explained while Gandalf held Thorin back by his hair. "They say that there's an extra door right here." He pointed to a spot on the map.

"Is that a cow?" Bilbo asked, pointing to an animal that soared over the moon with majesty that rivaled Thorin's.

Elrond cackled.

Meanwhile, the dwarves were feasting on meat that they'd found.

"Hey Bombur!" Bofur yelled, throwing a sausage at his brother, who sat atop a table.

What happened next was so unexpected the Goblin King had to scratch his ass a second time.

Bombur caught the sausage but the weight made the table collapse. Bombur's impact with the ground made a fifty foot deep crater. The fat dwarf drilled fatly through the earth, passing dinosaurs, precious metals, the Tardis, and Bifur, who was still digging.

Meanwhile _meanwhile, _Gandalf and Elrond walked into a pavilion. They saw Galadriel.

"Hi Galadriel," said Gandalf.

"I'm still single," said Galadriel.

The Goblin King was about to get a serious butt rash but then Saruman partied in.

"Ganny boi!" he squealed. "I haven't seen you in like-" he turned away and turned back. "-five secs!"

Elrond stared in disgust. Saruman had forgotten to straighten his beard, and it was totally clashing with his hair.

"Saruman the White," Gandalf greeted, slowly lowering his shutter shades.

Saruman set down his Starbucks, took a selfie with his iPhone, and adjusted his Victoria's Secret Pink sweatpants.

"So tell me, Gandalf, did you think these plans and schemes of your would go unnoticed?" Saruman asked, kicking his Ugg boots.

"Well I'm helping the dwarves because they're fun to party with," explained Gandalf.

Saruman was about to mention that he'd been talking about Gandalf's plans to dress up as Spiderman for Halloween, but Elrond interrupted.

"But there is peace in these lands! Why disturb it just to slay a dragon?"

"Actually, Radagast said-"

"Um excuse me but Radagast's a druggy," Saruman said, scrolling through Instagram. "I mean look at this picture he posted! I didn't know so many mushrooms could fit in one person's mouth!"

Everybody crowded around Saruman to look, even Lindir, who was peeking from the eyes on the Starbucks emblem.

There was an awkward silence.

"Saruman..." Galadriel began. "Those are marshmallows. I think he's doing to chubby bunny challenge."

"OMG, I did that once!" Saruman exclaimed. "And then like that blue wizard walked in, who's like a total loser and then I said..."

Gandalf tuned out Saruman's voice and started mentally talking to Galadriel.

_"Saruman's such a loser."  
"Yeah, I know. Why don't you bring out something like, I don't know, an object of great power to distract him,"_ suggested Galadriel.

Gandalf brought out the package that Radagast had given him. Or at least that's what he thought it was...

There on the table was a blue cube.

"The Tesseract!" Elrond screamed. He took off his face and became the Red Skull. He snatched up the Tesseract and jumped into a huge ass plane, taking off into the night.

Lindir appeared out of nowhere, staring at Galadriel, Saruman, and Gandalf all at once even though he had two eyes.

"The dwarves are gone."

Meanwhile meanwhile _meanwhile,_ the dwarves and Bilbo were traveling towards the Misty Mountains. Gloin was making a barricade to make sure the elves didn't follow them. He'd piled Taipei 101, Chicago, his Jelly Belly collection, and Australia on top of the path.

"No time to waste Mr. Bilbo," Thorin growled even though he was like 50 feet behind every member of the company.

Nobody noticed Lindir's eyes staring from beneath Bombur's ass cheeks...

**Haha I just noticed that I always end with Thorin's hypocrisy. Is there any dwarf you'd like to see more of? We haven't seen Kili for a couple of chapters...**


	5. Chapter 5

**Is it Wednesday already? Well, I'm always happy to make you guys laugh! Some people asked for more Durin so here you go.**

**By the way I couldn't have wrote this chapter without help from rhyming websites, noun generators, and my friend, who wishes to stay anonymous.**

** Also if you have eyeballs you should go watch BBC's Sherlock. If inconvenient, watch anyway.**

**Chapter 5**

The Company of Thorin Oakenshield was clinging onto the cliff face as rain poured down and lightning flashed.

"IT'S SO COLD AND WET," Bilbo screamed, clutching his purple.

"HOLD ON!" Thorin screamed, then immediately after that waved his arms around. "LOOK MAN NO HANDS!"

"FILI WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Nori yelled.

Fili was braiding his mustache. He was so oblivious he didn't even flinch when a rock skimmed his nose and the walkway behind him gave way. As a result Oin plummeted into the chasm.

"FILI HELP US FIND SHELTER!" Nori tried to take Fili's hands away from his mustache but then Fili went ballistic and started singing One Direction. Everybody screamed and covered their ears. Gloin actually took his ears off even though his arms were still back in the Trollshaws.

They finally managed to shut up Fili but it was too late. The stone giants had awoken. They started throwing rocks at each other.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLCRAP!" Bifur roared as a boulder almost hit his stylish beard. He drew his battle staff thingy and whirled it over his head like a propeller. To everyone's amazement he flew over to the rock giants and kicked them in the nuts, then flew back and carved a giant cave in the mountainside with his bare toes. "We can rest here for the night," he growled. Nobody dared argue.

"Let's get a fire going!" Balin suggested.

"Nope, no fire tonight!" Bofur contradicted just to piss him off.

"Why not, you little bitch? You wanna go? You wanna go?" Balin was getting all up in Bofur's grill when Thorin interrupted.

"No he's right, Dwalin might explode from all the alcohol he drank at Rivendell."

"But we left Rivendell a week ago." Confused Bilbo was confused.

Dwalin got really, really close to Bilbo. "**Once I drink the alcohol, it never leaves my body**." And that's basically why Bilbo tried to leave that night.

But before he could do that, a convenient hole opened up in the ground and they all fell into Goblin town.

They landed in a heap in the mountains deep.

When they got to their feet the goblins had a treat.

They decided to bring them to the Goblin King.

Bilbo snuck away to save his friends from the fray.

He fell down a pit because a goblin took a hit.

The dwarves were left to face the Goblin King, his Grace.

"And that's all I have so far, gurl!" Kili finished, taking off his pimpin' bling that he reserved just for rapping.

"That was horrible," Thorin said majestically.

"Enough rhyming! Who dares enter my kingdom? Thieves? Spies? Assassins?" commaned the Goblin King, his skin-beard-scrotum-glockenspiel thingy swinging and hitting Oin in the face.

"Maybe dwarves?" Thorin said sarcastically.

"Girl you call this a kingdom? Where's the octagons? The shoemakers? What about the _jogging salesmen_?" Kili was indignant.

The goblins started searching the Company. Gloin decided to help them by taking everything off. _Everything. _

Everybody screamed and Bifur pushed Gloin into the abyss then made the author apologize for the mental image.

"So what are you peeps doin' in my realm?" The Goblin King tried a more subtle approach.

"We are a company of thirteen dwarves plus a hobbit and a wizard who are currently absent. Our leader is Thorin Oakenshield. We are on a quest to slay a dragon and reclaim Erebor! Oh yeah, and we're totally oblivious to the fact that we're being hunted by orcs who are led by Thorin's mortal enemy!" Dori blurted out.

Everybody stared at Dori.

Then chaos ensued, in which Dori stupidly tried to make friends with the goblins, Nori tried to knock out his brother before he could cause more harm, Dwalin drank lots of beer, and Balin had a killing contest with Bofur.

"STFUUU," Gandalf shouted boredly, appearing in the middle of the. He slammed his staff on the ground in the middle of the scuffle, causing everybody to fall down.

"Where were you?" Thorin groaned from the floor.

"I was Starbucking with Saruman." Gandalf ate his cake pop. "Bifur stop that."

Bifur was stabbing everything in sight, even Ori's ego.

"Tee hee!" Gandalf poked the Goblin King with his cake pop stick, causing him to fall into the abyss, and ran, the dwarves close behind.

They fought their way through Goblin town. Fili got sidetracked and started braiding his hair again. Kili sassed the goblins, causing them to collapse in tears and hydrofoil. Dori was still trying to make friends. Nori chopped off about two million goblin nuts with his sword. Ori ran around screaming about his skillz without doing much. Gloin was wandering around, earless and headless and somehow fully clothed. Not that anyone was complaining. Bifur was having the time of his life. Bofur and Balin were still counting kills. Bombur was hunting for cinnamon rolls. Dwalin was staying away from the torches. Thorin was stepping on Oin's face.

"Almost there!" Gandalf cried.

"They'd made two meters of progress."

Finally the Goblin King sat his fat, rashy ass in their path and got their attention.

"You thought you could escape me?" The Goblin King knocked Gandalf back.

"Oh no you din't!" Kili cried.

"LOL, wut you gon' do now, Wizzy?" the Goblin King made an obscure gang sign. "I'd like to thank the academy..."

Gandalf scattered Legos under the Goblin King's feet while he was doing his victory dance. The Goblin King stepped on one, screamed, and died in a shower of propane.

Suddenly the bridge underneath their feet collapsed.

"Leggo find the exit!" Gandalf cried, laughing at his own joke.

Fili wondered what Bilbo was doing.

**So next chapter is the Gollum scene! **

**If you want to see more of a character feel free to tell me! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Yay, chapter 6! :D I really hope you guys enjoy this one. I'd say we have one more chapter to go before we go into Desolation of Smaug territory. Unfortunately I won't be continuing the story until the movie comes out, but I'll be posting a Lord of the Rings parody while we wait. Only 99 days left! Ok, I've kept you waiting long enough:**

**Chapter 6**

Bilbo had fallen into Goblin Town like the rest of them, but managed to use his Hobbit ninja skills to sneak away. Unfortunately, one of the goblins heard him humming the Mission Impossible theme and went to investigate.

"You thought you could escape the might of the goblins?" The goblin sneered.

"Er... Where's the bathroom?" Bilbo asked innocently.

"There are no bathrooms in Goblin Town!" the goblin cackled, taking the crap of his life right in the middle of the walkway.

"Oh my god!" Bilbo was so horrified that he threw himself into the abyss.

"No wait, I haven't told you about the plumbinggggggggg!" The goblin jumped in after Bilbo.

When Bilbo woke up, he was lying in a pile of mushrooms.

"Someone should tell Radagast about this..." he muttered.

"Smells like crapses precious! Shut up! Better than old bones, precious; better than nothing!" hissed a voice from the darkness.

The creature Gollum tickled the goblin to death.

"Too many boneses, precious! Nothing of flesh!"

Bilbo followed the sound of the voice until he stepped on a Lego.

"OW WHAT THE HELL!" he screamed, dancing around on one foot. Even hobbit feet were not immune to the power of Legos.

Back in Goblin Town, Gandalf felt a strange sense of accomplishment.

Bilbo noticed a ring lying on the rocks and picked it up for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Enormous eyes appeared in the darkness.

"Lindir, what are you doing here?" Bilbo asked.

Gollum jumped out. "Well bless us and splash us precious!"

And thus Gollum was baptized.

Bilbo pointed his sword at Gollum. "Stay back. I'm warning you, don't come any closer."

"What is it precious? Not an elfs. Not a conga lineses, no not that either. What is it?"

"How the hell could I be a conga line?"

"Not yogurt, precious. What is it?" Gollum was getting impatient.

"Um, I'm a hobbit. My name is Bilbo Baggins."

"What is a Bagginses?"

"Oh my god, I just told you. And it's Baggins. Not Bagginses."

"Bagginses."

"Baggins."

"Bagginses."

"Baggins."

"Bagginses."

"Baggins."

"Bagginses."

"Baggins."

"SHUT UP!" Gollum roared.

"You can't tell me what to do!" Bilbo did a z-snap.

"Why does it sass us, precious?"

"Look, I don't know what your game is, but I-"

"Games? We love games, doesn't we precious? Does it like games? Will it play with us precious?" Gollum started doing a weird dance.

Bilbo was starting to get a headache from the horrible grammar. "Fine, I'll play a game. But then you show us the way out, deal?"

"If it wins, yes. But if it loses, then we eats it whole."

"Boy, that escalated quickly. Fine, what are we going to play?"

After about fifty rounds each of "Duck, Duck, Goose", "Tag", and "Sophia's Schoolgirl Makeover", Bilbo sat down, exhausted.

"Can we play something else? Like a sitting down game?"

"Yes, precious, let's play riddles! What has roots as nobody sees, is taller than trees. Up, up, up it goes, and yet never grows."

Bilbo thought for about a fortnight.

"Hell if I know."

Then he put on the ring and skipped away.

***bows* Chapter 7 will be up next week as always, so leave a review/favorite/follow if you enjoyed it! Tell me if you want to see more of a specific character! Byeee! ;3**


	7. Chapter 7

**We are sick, precious T.T Thanks for reading, remember to enjoy!**

**Chapter 7**

Gandalf was counting dwarves yet again. "Ok, we got Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, how is Oin still alive, Fili, Kili, sweet Jesus, Ori, lose some weight! Aaaaand Thorin. Wait. Where's Bilbo? WHERE THE BUHJEEZUS IS BILBO YOU SONS OF BITCHES?!"

"I think I saw him slip away when the goblins first collared us," Nori supplied.

"Well he ain't coming back!" Thorin snapped. "He's thought of nothing but his soft bed and his warm hearth since he first stepped out of his door! We will not be seeing our Hobbit again. He is long gone. And who cares, he didn't do crap anyway."

"I CARE!" Gandalf roared, his face turning a nice shade of razzmatazz. "I GAVE BILBO MY VISA CARD BEFORE WE GOT SEPARATED! HOW AM I GONNA GET MY GLITTER NOW, HUH THORIN? HOW AM I GONNA GET MY GLITTER?!"

"No, he's not." Bilbo dramatically appeared from behind a tree.

"Not what?" asked Gloin, extremely confused.

"I'm not gone," Bilbo explained. "Thorin said I was gone. You know, before Gandalf started ranting..."

"We moved past that like ten seconds ago, get with the program," Gandalf sassed.

Ori puffed out his chest, nearly knocking everyone off the cliff. "He obviously couldn't stay away from my awesomeness."

"But let's be serial tho," Gandalf interrupted. "Bilbo, where's my Visa card?"

Bilbo blinked approximately eleventeen times. "...Visa card?"

Gandalf's stare rivaled that of Lindir. "...You have my Visa card, right?"

"What in the Shire are you talking about, Gandalf?"

"Actually, we're not in the Shire anymore."

"SHUT UP, OIN." Oin was eviscerated, incinerated, incarcerated, confusticated, deteriorated, elaborated, perambulated, and reintegrated. But not necessarily in that order.

"YO! PAY HOMAGE TO MY AWESOMENESS!" Ori screamed, swinging his moobs in a hexagonal pattern.

Gloin instantly complied, bowing and sacrificing bulls and whatnot.

Unfortunately, the orcs also heard this and began running down the hillside towards the dwarves.

"Run zem over! Tear zem to pieces!" Azog screamed. His howling army of wargs and orcs swarmed down the mountainside towards the company.

"Out of the frying pan..." Thorin muttered.

"And onto a plate!" Gandalf expertly flipped some scrambled eggs onto a plate. It was immediately eaten by Bombur.

Everybody stared at Gandalf.

"What?" Balin asked, voicing everyone's thoughts.

"Fly you fools!" Gandalf shouted.

Gloin, of course, immediately took off into the air.

Everybody decided to ignore this and started running down the hillside. That is, until they realized the hill led to a dead end: a cliff.

"Actually, climb the trees!" Gandalf commanded.

"Oh my god Gandalf! What do you want us to do? Fly or climb the trees? Pick one or the other!" Thorin raged, trying to be sassy and failing miserably. Martin Freeman is actually the King of Sass. So there.

Dwalin shook a champagne bottle vigorously and then opened it with his bare trachea. He used the stream of champagne to launch himself up to the top of a tree.

"ORI DON'T NEED NO TREES, YO!" Ori shouted, and was promptly run over by a warg, causing him to smash into Oin, who had just recovered from the evisceration, incineration, ect.

Fili took three warg tails and braided them together with lightning speed. This did nothing to help the matter; all three wargs inexplicably combined to become some sort of Cerberus-type creature, which began attacking Oin.

"Gurl, ain't nobody attacks Oin!" Kili snapped, shooting warg-Cerberus with his bow.

"YOU CALL THAT AN ATTACK?! LEMME SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE!" Bifur roared, taking his spear thing and waving it three times. It glowed and began whizzing around on it's own, taking out about fifty orcs per second before flying off into the night.

"STOP FIGHTING AND GET IN THE GODDAMN TREES!" Gandalf screamed.

Once everybody was in the trees, all the remaining wargs swarmed around the Company, snarling and howling strings of binary code. Because yolo.

"Butterfly powers, activate!" Gandalf cried. Faintly, Nori could see a lone butterfly flying off. Everybody else was looking at Azog.

"Azog?" Thorin gasped in horror.

"Do you smell eet? The scent of fear?" Azog replied.

"Hey! You didn't answer my question!" Thorin whined.

"Well you deed not answer mine!" Azog retorted.

There was an awkward silence.

"Should we start thees over?"

"Yeah, probably."

"Do you smell eet? The scent of fear?"

Everybody sniffed the air.

"I smell alcohol," Dwalin growled.

"You always smell that," Nori replied. "I think it continually comes out of your pores."

"Eet ees my new cologne," Azog continued. "I got eet from your fazer, Torin son of Train."

The author apologized for the horrible attempt at a German/Russian accent.

"Zat one ees mine," Azog pointed to Thorin. "Keel ze ozers!"

The wargs tried to jump on the trees, snarling. One of them almost ripped off Bofur's foot. Balin let out a nasally laugh which was interrupted when a warg threw itself into his lap.

"I want a harpoon launcher for Christmas, Santa!" it barked.

"GTFO!" Balin barked in the human sense, hitting the warg's nose until it fell on top of an orc.

"Drink zeir blood!" Azog cackled.

"NO, DRINK ALCOHOL!" Dwalin pulled several bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade out of his cheekbones and sprayed them all over the wargs.

Meanwhile, all of the trees had been knocked down by the weight of the wargs, causing the Company to jump from tree to tree until they were at the last tree standing at the very edge of the cliff.

"Crap, this isn't good." Gandalf stated the obvious once again. He took a pinecone and lit it on fire. "Fili! Catch!" He threw the lit pinecone to the blonde prince.

Fili caught it but once he realized he couldn't do anything with it that had to do with braiding, he threw it down in disgust. The flaming pinecone landed right in a puddle of Mike's Hard Lemonade. The flames traveled quickly through the alcohol that Dwalin had spread and soon the whole hillside was on fire.

"Yeayuh girl! This is going on Pinterest!" Kili snapped several pictures with his Blackberry.

"Do you guys realize that our tree is burning?" Nori asked. Nobody responded.

Dori got so excited at the fire that he started bouncing up and down, causing the tree to uproot itself. Thus, half of the company was hanging over the cliff.

Thorin jumped up and heroically charged towards Azog.

"Come at me bro!" Azog spread his arms, smirking.

"Hey! That's my line!" Thorin protested, though he had never said that in his entire life.

Azog raised his mace, about to bash Thorin's face off, when Bifur's magical spear came back and impaled Azog.

"OW MY OVARIES!" Azog screamed. There was another awkward silence. The awkwardness was so thick that it half-suffocated Thorin, bringing him to the ground.

"Bring hees head to me, Meenion Number Four," Azog commanded.

"But didn't you say that Thorin was yours?" Minion Number Four protested.

"Yahhhh!" Bilbo charged into the scene, throwing Scrubbing Bubble mascots and waving his sword. He managed to kill Minions Number Two and Four before Azog's warg head butted him.

Bifur, Kili, and Dwalin rushed to fight the wargs. Bifur used his spear again. Kili put on his bling again and started rapping to the wargs about how they were ugly and didn't even have two hundred followers on Instagram. Dwalin chopped off some of his toe hair and threw it into the fire. The alcohol-imbued hair caused a huge explosion that killed Minions Eight through Thirty.

The butterfly came back to Gandalf. "Yo, I brought some eagles."

"What? Not the MH-60L's that came last time?" Gandalf complained. "I guess the giant eagles will have to do."

A crapload of giant eagles swooped down and started beating up the wargs. They scooped up all of the company and flew away with them. Somehow the event had taken all night, so they got to watch the beautiful sunrise.

"THE SUN IS IN MY EEYESSS," Bifur roared, ripping handfuls of eagle feathers out of his bird.

The eagles dropped everyone on this huge ass rock that was shaped like a bear.

"Hey! Where are you going?!" Gandalf yelled as the eagles flew away. "The Lonely Mountain is like right there! It'll take you like ten minutes!"

"You know, I haven't had a line in a while," Bilbo commented.

"YOUUUUU!" Thorin used his Soulja Boy voice, pointed at Bilbo.

"What? If this turns into a music video, I'm jumping off this rock," the hobbit answered.

"Did I not say that you would be a burden? That you would not survive in the wild and that you had no place amongst us?" Thorin ranted.

"Actually you never said that," Nori commented.

"SHADDAP. Anyways, I have never been so wrong." Thorin hugged Bilbo and then fainted from awkwardness.

"I think a new meme was just created," Fili commented.

"Not gay," Bilbo mumbled from under Thorin.

"Hey, how are we going to get off of this rock?"

**Unfortunately, this is the conclusion of part one. I'll continue on December 15th, but until then, this story is on hiatus. :( but do not despair! I have posted a Lord of the Rings parody so go check that out. Now remember to comment criticisms, compliments, random things, ect.**

**Question of the day: On a scale of Denethor to Elijah Wood, how much did you laugh? Correct answer gets a cookie! ^.^**


	8. Deleted Scene 1

**Ok I know I said I wouldn't update this thing until December but I felt bad dumping a hiatus on you guys and I'm beginning to miss my characters (meaning I enjoy killing Oin). So I decided to write these short deleted scene type thingies while we wait. Enjoy!**

**Deleted Scene 1**

The Company was riding their ponies through the forest. Bilbo moved his pony next to Gandalf's.

"Hey Gandalf, how am I supposed to remember all the names of the dwarves? The names all rhyme and they all have beards-"

"Not me gurl! Beards are for hobos and losers!" You can guess who said that.

"-and I just find it very confusing!"

"Bilbo. Honey. You're obviously an idiot if you don't remember what I say! I'M GANDALF!" The gray wizard reminded him.

"Yeah I know who you are, but-"

"FiliKiliDoriNoriOriBifurBofurBomburOinGloinBalinD walinandThorin!" Gandalf fired in rapid succession, punching Oin for every name. "YEAYUH!" Disco music started playing out of nowhere.

"Can I have a pneumonic device or something?"

"Wow, you really are a dumbass Bilbo. Are all hobbits like this? Fine. Here goes nothing!

"Fili likes to braid his hair and anything else he lays his hands on. Hands have five fingers. Fili, five, and fingers all have f in them, so that's how you can remember him."

"Ok... that's weird but helpful," Bilbo nodded, making a mental note to keep his shoelaces away from Fili.

"Kili has gender identity issues. So does Justin Beiber. Justin Beiber's favorite color is purple. Purple symbolizes lyrical bestiality, which perfectly symbolizes Kili. Does that make sense?"

"Wait, what?"

"Dori is a complete dumbass, so just call him Dori the Dumbass."

"Okay, that one was good, but go back to Kili-"

"Nori has no purpose other than to move the plot along. Therefore we all consider him the King of Marbles. Take the e in marbles, and you've got yourself a cake!"

"WHAT?"

"Ori has an ego the size of Lady Gaga's nose. The nose contains a specific receptor that contains one of the five senses. Can you guess which one?"

Bilbo raised an eyebrow. "I don't have to guess. It's-"

"The scientific method, obviously!" Gandalf interrupted. "Now, moving onto Bifur. He is incredibly violent. If you get in his way, it will be the end of your days-"

"GUuuuuuuUUUuurl, I sense a rap coming up!" Kili shouted. Everybody groaned as he put on his rapping bling. Bifur roared in outrage and unsheathed his sword. He drove the point up Kili's [censored because some dumb kid might've stolen his mom's iPad and is reading this] over and under the hill, wiped it off, and snapped it in half, using the splinters to methodically tangle [censored because the author lazy] while simultaneously playing a saxophone before finally kicking away Kili's body.

Bilbo's eyes were the size of Ori's ego. "Well I'm never forgetting that incident."

Gandalf nodded, completely unperturbed. "Good. Bofur has a rivalry with Balin. Both of their names start with b."

"But that's the case with half the company!" Bilbo aruged.

Bifur growled and raised his spear, causing Bilbo to scream like a sissy. Arguably fortunately, Oin got stabbed instead.

"Bombur is the fattest asshole you will ever meet. And he eats everything. _Everything,_" Gandalf continued. "Yo Bomby, what did you eat for lunch?"

Bombur thought for a moment. "Some chicken wings, an ice pop, two tacos, an enchilada, four cream puffs, twenty jars of Nutella, twenty miles of pizza, two laws of nature, Carol, Jupiter, fifteen pencils, half of an attic, and Taco Bell."

Bilbo's eyes widened in horror. "Wait what was that last one?"

*insert colossal explosion noise*

Fifty miles away, in the Shire, several hobbits looked up to see a giant explosion of crap as well as pieces of five of the Seven Wonders of the World. One of the hobbits leapt forward and prostrated himself on the ground.

"IT IS THE GREAT CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN! ALL HAIL!"

'Shut up, Fatty."

**Once again, I hope you had ten times more fun reading this than I had making it! And it always cracks me up to write this C: Leave your thoughts in that little box down below with suggestions for more deleted scene! Byeee! 3**


	9. Deleted Scene 2

**Just a short chapter that I'm posting early because I love you! 3**

**Deleted Scene 3**

Bilbo sneezed for the 28230958th time. "Sweet Aule, I wish I'd brought my handkerchief."

Gandalf nodded. "If only there were some sort of machine that could magically create handerchiefs..."

Gloin leaped off of his horse, doing a pentuple flip through the air and doing a split in front of Bilbo. Everybody winced as a loud cracking sound was heard. Gloin's winning smile never left his face.

"Wish you could make handkerchiefs appear out of thin air?" the dwarf asked in an uncharacteristically attractive tone. "Then I've got the product for you! Introducing the Handkerchiefy Creatorchifficator!" Gloin pulled a machine out of his ear. "All you have to do is take titanium, throw it in the machine, and in a couple of hours it will turn into a crushed titanium handkerchief."

Bilbo stared at Gloin. "Uh, it isn't really a big deal..."

"Why would someone use titanium for a handkerchief?"

Oin shook his head sadly. "My brother is a salesman in his free time..."

"Having trouble finding titanium? Then get the Rocket-to-the-Moon! All you have to do is go in the portable rocket that weighs 30 tons and go there and mine the titanium!" Gloin reached into his tunic and pulled out a huge rocket.

"W-what? Gloin really it's no big deal!"

"Having trouble carrying the portable rocket around? Then use the UltraCarrynier! All you have to do is build a 3,223 foot long UltraCarrynier and let it drive next to you!" Gloin reached into his eyeballs and pulled out a long, metal machine. He spent the next 15 minutes pulling it out.

"Stop-"

"Maybe we should just leave him behind," Thorin suggested.

"I got it!" Gloin finished pulling out the UltraCarrywhatever and slammed it onto the ground. It landed on Oin.

"Gloin, I don't need a handkerchief anymore!" Bilbo cried.

"That's a shame, I just got the machine to work!" Gloin took out the Handkerchiefyect. and began rapid firing titanium handkerchiefs into the air. "I AM TITANIUUUUUUMMMMMM!"

You can guess who got hit with most of the handkerchiefs.

**Tell me if you guys thought this one was funny because the inspiration actually came from my brother and sister (they're ten). And they helped me write it a bit. Leave thoughts below!**


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